With Donald Trump‘s re-election looking increasingly likely with every passing Joe Biden speech, the President is learned to have already started making post-retirement plans with First Lady Melania. It is learned that Melania, having observed the stresses and rigours of her husband’s first four years in The White House, and in anticipation of another term, has urged him to adopt a more peaceful and balanced lifestyle post-presidency.
Every time I see a Joe Biden speech, I know that my husband’s chances of re-election get stronger. Knowing that he will be slogging it out for another 4 years, I took it upon myself to ensure that we prepare well for his retirement thereafter. I cannot bear to see his orange locks turn silver anymore.
First Lady Melania Trump
After initially considering a new regime of pilates, flower remedies and calligraphy for the president, Melania quickly realised that her husband would undo any progress with post-session indiscipline:
“What is the point of my Donny doing pilates or ballet if, after each session, he sneaks to the fridge and downs a can of coke or calls in for a Big Mac ? And if we tame his mind through calligraphy or embroidery, again, what’s the point if he switches on WWF straight after that ? The key is to change his environment.”
After much further contemplation and research, Melania eventually settled for sanyas. Sanyas is an ancient Hindu process of renunciation of all material and worldly possessions. She first learned about the practice during a state visit to India. Melania instantly felt that sanyas, which is typically pursued away from human contact and in the lap of unspoiled nature, would be a safer bet for the president.
“They don’t have McDonalds in the Himalayas. Or Burger Kings. Nor are there any coke machines or TVs there. And whilst Donald may use an app or try to call secret service behind my back, he will eventually give up because the telephone and data signals are quite weak at that altitude. And after 20 odd days of such sacrifice – or perhaps 200 for Donald – he will have no choice but to change his habits. He might even start eating vegetables and drinking water.”
In the process of sanyas, Melania has an even greater ambition for her husband. Moksha. Moksha is the Sanskrit word for enlightenment, and seen as the ultimate lifelong goal for Hindus. Melania believes that at least steering the president down this path would make him a calmer, more peaceful being.
“To be able to summon Donald’s inner yogi, we need to take these steps. There are millions of Westerners who travel in pursuit of India’s spiritual wisdom every year, so why not their leader ? If he ever needs to bail out, there are two Trump Towers in India now, and we can rehabilitate him with hotdogs and pizza therapy there if need be. But I’ll hold that option back for now. Let’s see how far he gets with the yoga and wheatgrass juice first.”
It is believed that the president was initially unwilling to even entertain the notion of sitting cross-legged anywhere, let alone in the Himalayas.
I’m not going to the Himalayas. It’s not because of India. I love India. Beautiful people. Beautiful people. The best. It’s China. The Himalayas are next to China and I’m not going near China again because of that Xi Jinping. China people are nice. Great people. The best. But Xi Jinping has spoiled everything. I’m not going to the Himalayas. Too near China. Too near. Not going.
President Donald Trump
It is believed that Melania is still working on convincing the president. Meanwhile, President Trump is busy on the campaign trail, reminding voters how he is the greatest President in American history, possibly excluding Abraham Lincoln.
“I am the greatest president in American history. Possibly excluding Abraham Lincoln.”
